you know, i have been sitting in my room, looking out into the sunshine and really wondering when this hurt will go away. the more i think about it, the more i feel it's not going to. talked to a friend the other day and we kinda concluded that the pain will only slowly fade when someone else is there in our life to somehow block it out and make it seem better.

but i don't want anyone in my life. so am i going to be like this for ages?
i guess so.

sometimes it really sucks. to be so far away from everybody and yet, i have to put on a brave/happy front to go about life/study here in London.

i have always said that i don't hate you.
but maybe i do, maybe i hate you so much i cannot see it.
and it's not only you i hate.
everyone else out there who caused me this pain.

so maybe in the end i hate myself too.
because I WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT.
which in turn left this trail of events that hurt so many people.

can someone just knock me out? and drain away all this angst in my head???
i rather start all over again, then to live in the past.
people tell me to move on, live for the present & the future.
it ain't happening.

i will always be the stupid little girl who hangs on the the past.
the past that hurts me the most.
and it's worst that i actually go seeking for things/truths that i know will hurt me more.

why cant i get it out of my system??

IT'S BLOODY KILLING ME!