Wednesday, December 31, 2003

final post for the year:

no more being emo!!!!!
less than 12 hours and it will be 2004. so how are you going to usher it in? i'm going all emo again.

everyone seems to be going for one of those massive parties at the different ends of singapore.
think i will do a quiet one this year, grab a couple of Hoegaarden, sparklers, a good friend and head to the botanic gardens to feed the mosquitos, count the stars & burn up some bushes.

not exactly in the mood to pay and get hot & sweaty with 10,000 strangers.
wait. am i getting old? *horrified*
or maybe i am just learning to be contented with life, and trying to see it w/o all the noises+distractions i get everyday?

day in day out, i play, eat, shop, whine and laugh but at the end of the day, when it's in the comfort of my room between my bedsheets, it's just me alone in that dark silence.

in that dark silence, i see loneliness & solace.
solace because i can stare in the blankness and reflect back about my day or life.
loneliness comes upon me every now & then...... when i miss having a hug.
but after all the mixed feelings, i get to sleep in comfort!

looking back>
2003 has been one hell of a year of trying to handle school and yet grow up, grit my teeth to take the nonsense that comes my way & learning lessons of the heart. somehow thankful to every single person that has walked into my life in this year, to those that i don't speak to anymore i just wish you know somehow.

i STILL wonder why, while other people can just move on with their lives in a snap of a finger, i end up dwelling in my sadness instead of looking for the happiness that is not so far away. simply shitty me.

365 days | 3 heartaches | getting upset with myself | new great friends | 2 wonderful trips to paris | xmas in singapore with old pals | stronger i think |

Monday, December 29, 2003

check out if you're free.

mine is:
37% - Could be picker.
your willingness to look beyond the surface for other qualities show that you are grounded in reality when
looking for a relationship. just beware of going with the flow too much and settling for 'OK' instead of 'fantastic'.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

in the new year thou shall:
1. not be so giving.
2. not make enemies.
3. keep the friend's i have made.
4. forget the ugly stuff in the year, embrace all i've learnt.
5. have all the fun i want w/o emotions getting in the way.
6. work hard to get that 1st class degree.
7. aim to do a masters related to business/communication.
8. and still be a better person
all i want for now is to catch LOTR.
sometimes wonder why the hell i came back to spore for.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

today i did something i thought i could never ever do.
if i had a choice, i would have not done it.

maybe i did have the choice, but.......

i've never ever felt so low about myself in my life.
you make me feel like i am studying something that's not of worth at all to this world.
i never thought people could be this narrow minded, but you just showed me how this world of yours really works.
in your society, i can only be respectable if i am in business, banking, medicine, accounting etc?

i know i am not of equal status.
but at least i have the guts to do what i like.
i will make something out of myself, with my own determination, with my passion in art.

i just wish i wasnt made this way.
if only i could be someone bad, someone so horrible no one likes, someone who doesnt have a heart.
so that i wont be hurting at all.

sorry doesnt help in anyway.
telling the truth does.

i didnt regret at first meeting you.
maybe now i do.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i touched down in spore 8pm, 24th dec.

sorry to all my friends whom i didnt inform of my arrival....which is practically everyone.

buzz me if you're not pissed with me, so we can meet up and stuff ourselves.

lugging 3 dozen donuts from london is hell. never going to do it again.

candice, thank you for everything. you made my xmas so much more beautiful, and everything else easier to bear.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

i'm suppose to be packing.
instead i'm prancing around my room.
i'm scared.
got this off an email i received. thanks vince

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON...
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They come to assist you though a difficulty, to provide you with guidance
and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for a reason you need them to be.
then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at any inconvenient time, this
person will say or do something to end the relationship.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up & force you to make a stand.
what we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

When someone come into your life for a SEASON...
It is because your turn has come to share, grow & learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is Real!
But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and to put what you have
learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind and friendship is clairvoyant.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Sunday, December 21, 2003

the weather project - olafur eliasson
friend's here from manchester for the weekend. quite interesting time we had since his arrival. went to bar rumba and a hongkong guy we didnt know bought us both drinks. heh. then next day, while browsing at Harrods we saw the Al-fayed owner!

not bad eh?

though the down side of it all is that i dropped my credit card.....and after i got it blocked by the bank, i found it at Harrods's lost & found. *sigh*

i'm feeling all mixed up right now.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

i've been put up for voting at
though i'm sure xiaxue.blogspot will win.
don't think my blog is that good a read leh.

miss you all.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

is everyone going back for xmas!!!!!!!

sharon's gone back for good.
one more galfriend not by my side anymore.
tinky's gone too!

Monday, December 15, 2003

i miss you.
i miss the friend i've lost.
but i cant tell you that....
so it's here.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

tinky: the baby of my life for now until monday, then he's back to singapore.
meow meow.
i don't think i am obsessed with love.
and no, love does not make the world go round.
money does.
which is sad.

love is not everything and one cannot sustain on love alone.
can you really say you don't wish to have anything at all to do with love?
i don't think so.
we are all just human beings with human emotions.

this is me.

to clarify matters,
that previous entry was not written by me.
it is i believe in love by the Dixie Chicks.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

december 11th.

the start of holidays.
the start of hibernation.
the start of singlehood.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i could see things that other people's eyes couldnt see.
i could feel the vibes....even though you tried to cover up.

then i saw what i needed to see.

so tell me,
am i a fool?
i have reached the level of being so numb that i cannot cry even though i am so sad. Again.
isnt december in london great? last year's was crap. so will this year's.

do you care? i don't think so.
you never did.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

ming, happy 21st!


lovely song.
just ignore the "you just keep my hanging on" & the "you're going to reap just what you sow" bit.

Just a perfect day
Drink sangria in the park
And then later when it gets dark we go home

Just a perfect day
Feed animals in the zoo
And then later, a movie too and then home

Oh it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spend it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on

Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone
Weekenders on are own
It's such fun

Just a perfect day
You make me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good

Oh it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spend it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on

You're going to reap
Just what you sow
You're going to reap
Just what you sow
You're going to reap
Just what you sow
You're going to reap
Just what you sow

::Perfect Day (Trainspotting) by The Velvet Underground.

Monday, December 08, 2003

tears will dry & the hurt will fade away...slowly, slowly.

Friday, December 05, 2003

think i'll stop publishing for a while.

Goodnight, sleep tight
No more tears
in the morning, I'll be here
And when we say goodnight,
Dry your eyes
Because we said goodnight,
And not goodbye
We said goodnight
And not goodbye.....

Thursday, December 04, 2003

did the record of 36 sleepless hours. think my body clock is now screwed.
got another essay due friday and i dunno what i'm suppose to write.
aint that great?

anyway i'm relaxing now, watching tv and eating yogurt.
i want to go to this event!! check out

wanna go with me????
*blink blink*

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

projects done. just got back from school. been awake for 25hours already. hmmm.
my room is in this mess that i cannot seem to comprehend where all the items came from in the first place.
damn i must have packed my things darn well previously.

was walking back just now when this teenage boy on a bicycle stopped and asked if i had 20pence for a payphone call. the thought that he could snatch my purse and cycle away crosses my mind instantly, yet i wanted to help. so i just dug around in my bag for the 20pence without taking out my purse.

found it and gave it to him. he said thanks & took out his wallet to keep it.

did i just fall for another trickster?
what the heck. it was only 20pence.

besides, if he really tricked me he would get his retribution next time.
in the mean time,
i shall continue to be good.


Tuesday, December 02, 2003

4.53pm: finally wide awake.

chirpy news for me now: YES!!!!!!!!!!! Chelsea won! haha. take that man utd!

Monday, December 01, 2003

spent another night doing my work....and it's 9am again.
feeling that i havent made full use of the time i was awake.
wonder how's it like outside...
didnt even draw open the curtains.

feel like a prisoner in my room sometimes.
slept at 9am...and woke up at 7pm. sheesh.
having my dinner now.
broccoli & turkey ham stir fry in hoi sin sauce with a fried egg, on rice.

feeling kinda crap.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

6.21am and i am actually awake doing my work! it's amazing aint it?

watched Master & Commander just now. russell crowe is good, but the plot is err err.....
okie only lah.
waiting in anticipation for LOTR!
dec 17th!

Friday, November 28, 2003

it's a skirt and thats how it's supposed to be worn. below is the lovely price of it.

crazy huh! would you pay $279 for a skirt?

anyway the skirt is not an issue now, cos i got an early xmas pressie from my baby>> a nice nice coat! *elated*
though i feel that i'm kinda undeserving of such a nice pressie. it's too much!

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

i slept for so long...i think it's my personal record.
from 9pm last night - 12pm today.
am i sick or something i wonder.

off to school now.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

listening to Haunted by Evanescence, then it hits me.

i'm emotionally hollow
Jacob's Creek : Semillon Chardonnay vintage 2002.
do you get the gut feeling that things are going to happen, or situations turning out differently as planned?
i do.
all the time in fact.

or do i make myself know what to expect, so that i will be mentally/emotionally numb?

i give what i give, cos "you reap what you sow".

could it be that because i got hurt the last time i gave, that i block myself from feeling too much? that i dun actually let my emotions control me as much anymore?

am i still to afraid to be my real emotional self? or maybe i am better this way?
i am sweeping my unwanted baggage under the carpet and moving on, trying not to look back.

learnt this skill from the cow, who made the chicken see the bigger picture. now she's different.

but for how long?
i really wonder.........

as for the moment,
i dunno what i should feel.
got a hair cut at this poof looking shop, "hair by fairy". went in cos ming was dying for a haircut, & it was cheap!
10.50pounds for a wash and cut.

my shampoo boy was nice, gave me a nice long hairwash and head massage, while ming didnt get any. hee. i left the shop with turned out ends, making me look like a pixie. but alas, i am not able to re-create the look, so i'm back to normal.

today:: went to Bicester shopping village with my sis & her bf, where like all those factory outlets are, selling past season items. went into camper!, diesel, miss sixty, polo ralph, bodum, ck, dkny, fcuk, ted baker, paul smith erm erm....and loads of others.

but my shopping trip only got me: a new CK bra, a pair of diesel jeans & a pressie for ming.
not telling what the pressie is!!!

think i'm getting too stingy for my own good.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

"She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....
She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry"

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

i got FOUR pimples on my face! never ever have i had just a bad break-out!
there's a massive one just above my lips!!!!


"shut yourself up.
it's just pimples"

i'm munching on honey roasted nuts and drinking sparkling elderflower presse.
i'm getting fat and this doesnt help at all.

sometimes i just feel so horrible about myself.
why cant i have the confidence?

Monday, November 17, 2003

spent the weekend at friend's place, sleeping 2 nights with a cat that goes wacky @ night.
wait. make that TWO cats.

then again, i think ALL cats go wacky @ night ya?
tinky winky is so cute! loves to be rubbed with the feet but hates the hand. kinda odd.
i like it best when he lets me carry him like a baby..... simply adorable.

i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat
i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat
i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat
i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat
i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat
i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat i want a cat!!!

i'm never going to get one as long i am in stooopid london.


brokenchinadoll is gone, and i wish you love.

Friday, November 14, 2003

had a dream last night, that i went home & found out that my cat had died, & my family didnt tell me. felt so lost & heartbroken i couldnt even cry.

i'm thinking too much about cats.


Thursday, November 13, 2003

having brie cheese on biscuit.

went cat-sitting just now: a nice black cat with white chest & paws, named tinky-winky. curious little one, which sat in one corner & looked at me watch tv... but aww still so sweet.

i miss my cat.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

i'm getting this weird fetish with looking for photos of in-grown toe nails. all this thanks to the wonder google image search. it's vicious. i keep on searching for more........


no offence to those ppl who suffer from it but damn do they look really really gross when it's all red & oozing pus. how the hell can ppl take it?? if i ever suffered from it, i would have been tempted to pick and dig and cut, or practically chop my toe off!



Monday, November 10, 2003

Sat:: i went to my first Guy Fawkes bonfire+fireworks party ever! it was cold as usual but i cannot explain to you how great it was to stand there in the night, with the co-ordinated music+firework blasting thru the sky...... i felt like a kid once again, looking up at a big beautiful 'giant' streaking & bursting all over. It's just such a different experience for me every single time.

ming, i never told you this but since young,i have always been a sucker for fireworks, & i would grasp every chance i had to go for fireworks display back in spore. i've got people who stare at me with disbelief, who cant understand why i'm so crazy about something so noisy and 'mundane'. Thanks for being there with me, it meant a lot.

Today was:
slazy lazy sunday.
stayed in to watch the Europe MTV Awards....i don't like Justin Timberlake! it erks me that he got 3 awards. urghs.

slacked slacked slacked....then watched this programme about "The Theory of Everything" talked about: quantum mechanics, physics, atoms, neutron, protons, equation abnormalies blah blah blah. i'm not afraid to admit that it was all boggling & i got lost halfway through it & i got sleepy = that's why i was born to be an artist!

then a documentary programme by this BBC reporter who was in Iraq covering the war. it's depressing. i just sat there with my hands on my face, stoned out by the cruel reality of war, how friendly fires happen and how war destroys so many lifes. The team lost an Iraqi guy who was their translator + part of the BBC team, in a friendly fire attack gone very wrong. The whole crew was very effected & all but 2 chose to return back home.

This line by the reporter just struck me hard, dunno why:
"this man died because he wanted to be my friend."

Friday, November 07, 2003

i watched the Matrix Revolutions already!!!!! *grin* much better then the second one... not so mind boggling.

i need a holiday job.

think i might sink into depression soon...
it's winter. sun sets early. xmas will suck.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

had a project work assesment on tuesday. the wonderful thing was that i didnt start anywork!woke up at 12pm on monday and did my work thru till to tuesday morning, slept on the train to school and got into studio really really stoned.

did somemore work and surprise surprise! my lecturer was just curious why i was so way behind, but was ok with what i had. phew. left the presentation actually thinking " wow. in one day i can do so much...imagine if i actually did some work everyday..."

hung ard in school till 6pm, then headed to weatherspoons for dinner with Pennapa. i had the massive looking western platter: buffalo wings, chips & ribs. finished all the wings, chips and gave up on the ribs. just cant take the taste of the pork in my mouth.

got home...& actually did a bit more of sewing & knitting for my work then zzz @ about 12. think i must be really tired....havent done an 'all thru the night thing' for ages, and my body cant take it? i slept thru my alarm clock this morning and kinda screwed up my neck...... it's aching like hell and i am trying not to move it too much.

eeks. i feel like some old women.

Monday, November 03, 2003

this is the long awaited published photo of us @ the Heineken Session, Velvet.

no: i don't know who that Lido ang moh is & that bottle of heine wasnt mine! *grin*
i kind of miss my long hair....

Saturday, November 01, 2003

gatecrasher @ Heaven was great! think i'm getting a tad too old for the club scene....couldnt dance for long. baaa...

Heaven is like some old cellar converted into a club, so it's got like little passageways linking to different rooms that have high arched ceilings. basically a nice place to chill...but i warn you now it's a predominantly gay & lesbian club.

there is going to be this MASSIVE gatecrasher event in Birmingham on 29th Nov. Just to drop some names: Tiesto, Paul Van Dyk & Judge Jules will be there!

i soooo want to go, but i got a dateline on 1st dec.
no fair!

Friday, October 31, 2003

just filled up and online application form for a part time job @ Selfridges! It's for a position in the gift section. cross my fingers that they will short-list me!

pay is 6.91/hour and it's a 8 hour shift a week, split between thurs & fri.

which earns me 55.28/week or 221.12/month.

not alot i know but it's better than nothing!

happy halloween to those peeps in spore! i've yet to get myself a pumpkin...hmmm

anyway, went to MinistryOfSound last night. 5 pounds for cover as it was student night.
overated and overhyped.
or maybe cos student nights are never suppose to be good?

next up: Heaven for halloween.


Thursday, October 30, 2003

the rainy season has started.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

was in chinatown on sunday, so gave one last shot for the "air ticket hunt".
KLM: depart 15th dec, return 8th jan = 698pounds inclusive tax = too expensive.
i promise this will be the last time i talk about the air ticket here.
so now it's confirmed :: i am staying for christmas holidays.
*blink* *blink*

Saturday, October 25, 2003

i hate london.

waited 2 hours to speak to the emirates booking officer.
no space.
fully booked he says.

guess i am fated to spend xmas here.


Friday, October 24, 2003

queued up for 2 hours in the freaking cold just to get into the home office building.....then when trying to pay for my application, both my CC got declined. not a good sign huh. anyway......went on to wait another 2 hours for my turn to 'see' the officer.

only got a one year visa till oct 2004.
and the reason?

him: "oh, you school is not a university."
me: "but my school has uni status!"
him: "but your school letter head doesnt say so."

what kinda Lame excuse is that?
if you want to freaking earn my money by issuing only one year, just say so!


Thursday, October 23, 2003


room's cold.
eating toblerone even when my throat's itchy.
think i'm going to suffer for it.

later in the morning i'm going to the home office to get my visa extended and pay the british bas****s 250pounds just for a chop in my passport.


they better give it to me.
i hope.
i pray.
went for a party last night organised by the indonesian-malaysian society of LSE & Imperial. the place was nice and classy, with nice low lighting and massive sofas.

but they were playing R&B again!

stayed on till 3 and had to send 2 gals back home..... then the task of getting home was a b***.

it was raining and really cold.
no umbrella, no nightbus that we could take.

me & ming ended up walking like 30mins in the rain just to get to some other bustop with some bus that heads back to town so we could change bus.

that's it. no more parties for a long long time.


Monday, October 20, 2003

i give up.

did a web search and all the flights are costing at least $2000 sing dollars.

should have bought it before i even left spore.

as cliche as Friendster may be, i thank God for it because i've found many long lost friends.
i do mean long my kindergarten mate and a childhood pal.

now all i want to do is be back in spore for xmas so i can catch up with them.....

anyone got lobang to get affordable airfare?

i highly doubt so.

think i'll end up sulking in london.

it's a monday

::didnt wake up for class.
::blocked nose
::achy body
::stomach growling...

Saturday, October 18, 2003


i'm finally getting physically tired...but my room is freaking cold!!!
heating is not on.

i give up.
going to hide under my duvet.
maybe next time i'll go steal an extra duvet from ming.
it's been 3 1/2 hours since i got home.
didnt have dinner. feeling abit hungry now but it's too late to eat.

feeling slightly better after playing around with my blog.
maybe pink just cheers me up that tiny bit.

still emotionally down inside.
how's this color scheme? too pink?
today was my sister's graduation. was suppose to be seated by 10.40am but i got there at 11am...well managed to get in anyway. after seating thru a super long speech by the principal and the neverending certificate presentation, i was running all over campus in killer heels to take photos for her.

what was nice was that the sky was clear and blue....

rotted at pub and just talked & talked. went on down to topshop so sis, her bf & her friend could shop. i didnt buy anything.

hopped on a bus home and along the journey, away from the human traffic and noise, i suddenly felt very very lonely.

think i'm in one of my cranky moods. those depressive ones. dun think being home alone on a friday night helps any better. it's like every single friend i know has a smashing good time in london, but i am not totally into london and i just don't understand why. could it be that i don't drink and just somehow feel different about this city as compared to other people?

i realised and admit one thing: i am an attention seeker. not from strangers, but from those ppl around me. i crave for a friend's concern, listening hear. i never feel empty back in spore. is london just so different from what i have in spore?

it's just that at the end of the day, i dun feel contented at all. maybe it's just today cos i wasted the whole day doing nothing fruitful. maybe it's my cranky emotional side seeping out again.

i should be happy. i have people who love me. or is my past just creeping out on me and draining me out unconsciously? there are somethings that just cannot be erased... but i tried.

don't even have the strength to focus on my school work.
JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? can someone please tell me?

i am feeling so so so lost and yet all i can do is sit in my room, type this and wipe away the tears that i don't want to shed.

i don't see my value in this world anymore.

maybe all this output is just crap.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

got an external project brief to do!

Furnishing Textiles: Global Spirit or Comfort Zone

consumers increasingly seek security within their living space. fashion now surrounds and envelops. fashion informs interiors and interiors inform fashion; all edges are blurred. the jury welcomes submissions from all forward thinking students, interested in fabric innovation both through fabrication and imagery.

Produce a design collection for a living space. your collection should be for one of the following themes:

option 1|Global spirit
influences: inspired by the 21st century normad, a collector of information, influences and artifacts from a myriad of differing cultures, rituals and philosophies, the trophies displayed and reflected in the living space, contributing to and reflecting lifestyle. time is suspended. traditional can be combined with comtemporary. opposites attract, then harmonise, resulting in new and exciting concepts. east meets west. the northen hemisphere informs the southern hemisphere. the tango meets the waltz. mexican senoritas sleep under subtle chrysanthemums and eastern dragons. ancient continents flirt with edgy manhattan and L.A street style. in a complementary rather than confrontational ambience, anything is possible!

option 2| the Comfort zone
influences: inspired by a desire for personal retreat, away from the frenzy of eletronic communication and the 24/7 work ethnic where leisure and work time collide and blur, the home becomes the nest, the cosy den, the cocoon, the escape, the comfort zone. this theme serves to create harmony and an atmosphere of well-being, stillniess and comfort. the santuary and solitude of the desert, the mountains, drifting through deep crystal clear lagoons and cotton wool clouds, languishing in cool, luscious rainforests. color provies a refuge; fabrics are natural emulating the wrap around qualities and sensuality of downy and fine felted wools, cashmeres, velvets and luxurious cottons. an eye on the past but with a view to future!

unlimited spending powet, well informed, fashion forward comsumers, who have an appreciation and concern for both traditional and non-traditional imagery, technique and decor, appreciative of the past yet receptive to change through innovation.

- to produce an exciting and innovative fabric collection consisting of core products and related accessories for a domestic interior
- to demonstrate understanding of target market lifestyle
- to research and experiement using innovative combinations of techniques, media and color
- to demonstrate the use of drawing through initial research and finished designs
- to demonstrate consideration of scale, layout and color

the jury will be looking for original concepts and ideas with finished designs relating well to the target market. the brief is about innovation and emphisis will be placed upon good design developement of an idea. you should choose a particular room within a domestic setting, focusing upon core products such as curtains, upholstery and so on, with a consideration of how they will work alongside other accessories/products such as cushions, wall coverings, floor coverings and lighting. only original drawings and color studies should be used. although these can be supplemented with original photographs and computer aided design. it is important to convey the end use of designs effectively through a room visialisation/illustration.

*which one should i go for? i am usually a global spirit kinda person but thought i go do something different this time. unfortunately comfort zone is the harder of the two. what does comfort mean to you? what kind of colors, feeling do you relate to comfort? leave me a msg on my comments section! thanks.*
i am falling sick!!!!


got a funny throat and a nose that is starting to block up!

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

lestat: here's snowy on my nice purple duvet. *grin*

made it to school to only collect a letter and buy sketchbooks. didnt go up to studio cos i know my lecturer would so kill me.

i got a 3 day week! mon- wed, 10am - 4.30pm.

Monday, October 13, 2003

"can i dissolve into you,
allow me to fall into the sky so blue
and surround me
with every color in youtr heart to sooth me,
and then we'll wake up in the warming sun."
i promise i woke up this morning with the whole intention to go to school.
was awake at 7am......lazed on in bed then eek eek...the internet called to me.

fixed my breakfast of cereal, banana & milk and sat down infront of my lappy.

my adsl is running! woo hooo!! will be online 24/7 from now on.

maybe that means i will do crap for my 2nd year? no no! i cannot. i need to get myself a first class.

anyway, after the breakfast, it was already 9.15am. stayed on the net a tummy ache....then by the time i took a dump and showered, it was 10.

i start classes @ 10.

so now i'm sitting here, surrounded by the piles of books, papers and those needful things, wondering if i should go in for classes after lunch.

i havent finished my work! arghs.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

watched KillBill last night and boy is it violent! hmmm... it's rated for 18 here so i do wonder what it will be for in spore. maybe heavily censored? it's a movie for anime fans cos of the way it's done and besides, there is really no kinda plot.

la la....

before the movie, i moved the remaining of my stuff from my friend's place.... i am so going to start throwing away stuff i swear. i had this box of like books and junk which was so heavy i couldnt even lift it up...had to tumble it along. in the end i had to open it and make 3 trips up and down using a bag to contain the stuff.


why am i even an art student? artist have the tendency to hog and keep little bits of everything, thinking it's going to come into good use one day for a project. BUT when the day comes that you need it, you will never find it cos it's lost in the abyss of the other 'needful things'.

just what is really needful?

hmmm..... God and someone to love?

Friday, October 10, 2003

aint blogging lately cos.....i actually got my adsl connection running but i dun have a modem!
so duh.

anyway, my snail mail address is:

flat 3
11 Agate Road.
W6 0AJ
United Kingdom.

i will write soon, just that i dun have my address book with me at the moment!

Friday, October 03, 2003


basement jaxx and evanescence are going to perform in london!!

i wanna goooooo.

oh anyway, this is the original before photoshop effects picture.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

someone just got arrested on my street. saw the policemen running after him and pinning him to the wall.

hmm...seems to be for harressment. the guy was shouting to this gal " terese, i love you" over and over again.

saw a nice police beemer car too.


i am suppose to do worrk.

home alone. pennapa's gone house hunting. and yet i refuse to do my work.

internet. you are evil!!!!!!!!

anyway, more pics of me with short hair.
no i dun love myself.
i'm just bored.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

oh. if you do read this blog and see the "meowwwww" right at the bottom of each post, it's actually a comments thingy.

arghs arghs

i got 5 days to settle my summer project.
got no materials besides poster color and acrylic paint.

let's see how i die.

and i freaking left my usb2.0 card back home!!!!
dun think anyone is as dumb as me.


Tuesday, September 30, 2003

just got back from a road trip to Bath, Stonehenge, Cheddar and Cornwall.

it was nice driving thru the countryside but i do pity the driver.

thanks Sam!

i will post the pics up when i get my adsl connection.
now i am using my flatmate's dial up i shant blabber on anymore.

miss you all lots.


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

here i am still sitting at the desk, drinking orange juice, munching pringles, chatting with candice and getting my feet cold.

but the sun is shining on my back!


so nice to feel that kinda warmth.

i need someone to snuggle up to... so hurry and get ur butt over!
slept thru my first leg of fligt, waking uponly for food....watched Finding Nemo on the 2nd leg.

food onflight was actually good...heh.

touched down at heathrow and waited to collect my massive blue luggage (39.7kg) and when it came out it was all wet and smelled funky!


weather was 14degrees. brrrr.

my new room is ok in size...if only it could be bigger. there are pubs and eateries round the corner and 5 mins away i got 2 shopping malls.

okie lah?

dumped my stuff in the room and headed out to grab some food and move stuff from my sis place.

got the food but when i got to sis place....i was so tired i fell asleep at 7+ in the evening. tink it's jet lag.

i miss you all back home so much!!!!

*damn. i left my zip drive back in spore!!*

Monday, September 22, 2003

ok. my last 13 hours.

i havent packed.
have yet to get all the stuff i need.

so this is it.

see you all next year then.

luv you all!

Sunday, September 21, 2003

2 more days to go...

i have yet to pack my luggage. cant really do it cos i haven't finished shopping for my stuff.
so all i do now is stay online, trying to run away from the reality...

that i am suppose to clean up my room BIG time.
that 3 mths has gone by me just like that.

thank God i now have something to look forward to back in London.


Saturday, September 20, 2003

Friday, September 19, 2003

went back to Temasek today with Candice. so many fond memories we have of that place.....walked around the studio space, sat in the new swivel chairs.

it all felt the same.
just us getting older.

oh. managed to snap a digital pic of the polaroid taken right after Candice cut my hair.

nothing has been done these few days. i am so going to die!

4 more days.

i havent got all i need.
i havent packed.

all i want to do is chill out,and be a cat.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

ok. so all i managed to do today was:

have my corn muffin!
bought some decor magazines for project reference.
get my stitches out of my mouth.

that's it!


oh oh! my gucci frames are ready! but i dun dare to go get them, in fear that i look like an auntie with them on cos i cut my hair! *sniff*

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

arghs!!!! my face is sooooo swollen/chubby watever you call it!

i sent my brother to camp = traffic was a bitch, esp the motorbikes
the stitches in my mouth are coming out = yes! now i can eat properly
my P plates are gonna go = 24 points now. woo hoo~
i hope to swim = provided my dear friend with the nice pool lets me in
and do everything i have mentioned below = besides my project

*spent $118 on my hair yesterday. dun think i've ever paid so much for something to do with my hair in my life. got ash blond streaks in my hair now!*

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

7 days to go

i have yet to:

- eat the corn muffin @ kenny rogers.
- watch down with love, swimming pool, secretary + other movies mentioned b4.
- go anywhere out of spore.
- start on my summer project ( really going to die this time ).
- finish buying my materials for school.
- go back to my sec school and poly.

this is too much!!!!!!

although, now i do have a reason to make me smile...

sshhhh....shant say anything.

Monday, September 15, 2003

lazy sunday. rain poured and poured.

got something done today.

candice cut my hair for me and now it's real short and i love it!

if you want to see how it is, meet me then.


p.s. anyone wants to adopt a set of P plates?

Sunday, September 14, 2003

what makes someone a nice person?

going back in 8 days. sorry if i ever hurt you.

Friday, September 12, 2003

got this email from cherylann. babe i miss you!!!
anyway, it's great for a laugh.

my favorite is no. 5. *grin*


01. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

02. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

03. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

04. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

05. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

06. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

07. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

08. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

09. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

took out 2 wisdom tooth instead.

that's it. no more left to extract.

aching and grumpy now.


Wednesday, September 10, 2003

ah ah ah!

i just realised that i have a lot of movies to catch!

1: Secretary
2: Down With Love
4: Legally Blonde 2

hopefully i will be able to catch Pirates of the Carribean tomorrow without any hitch.

movie marathon anyone??

a 3rd wisdom tooth is going......hope i dun swell....

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

went shopping around today and i think this blog is becoming a "wish blog". *grin*

spotted a nice pair of gucci frames for like $200 but with lenses and tints, it adds up to $290!

it's like mega OUCH ok. but i really like it.


then again, it's a want. not a need.


am broke too.

anyway, i'm leaving on the night of 22nd Sept.

13 more days.

Monday, September 08, 2003

spotted a small centipede in my toilet bowl. almost FREAKED out! lucky i looked into the bowl before i sat on it!!!!
anyway, i flushed it down and hope it drowned.

*kill kill*
go try

Saturday, September 06, 2003



what's new?

Thursday, September 04, 2003

singapore is 3 degrees of separation.
something is wrong with my life.

i've been sleeping around 5am and waking up @ 3pm, and then just stone in my room wondering what to do with the remains of the day.

am i that bored?
i've got to buy my materials, work on my project, clear my room, call up ppl......

i feel so blank i don't wish to do anything.

*last night, i added to my collection of junk a nice orange neon sign of a men @ work icon.*

Wednesday, September 03, 2003


i kinda regret changing template. no energy left to work on it now...

anyway, from what i have gathered from my guy friends:
gals in uniform basically portrays the gal as very young & thus untouchable, which in turns makes the guy want the gal more.


why am i i even blogging this?

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

oh no!

i am going back to london in 21 days!


and i havent gone for a little get away!

*boo hoo*

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

went to pig out @ Shima (goodwood park hotel) today, dressed in my primary school pinafore while Can was in jap school gal look.


it was all for fun and yes, i got funny looks from men.

tsk tsk.

what's with guys about girls in school uniform?

Monday, August 25, 2003

i still think that the National Stadium should be kept and renovated, instead of being rebuilt.

Friday, August 22, 2003

*pink & itching like mad*


Wednesday, August 20, 2003


went to the beach today......and i'm burnt pink!


i lurrrrrvvvveeee the sun~
tomorrow, i am finally going to the beach.
i hope and pray that the sun will be out full force!

was wondering what to wear....then i realised that i have erm erm.....

nine sets of bikinis.


but 2 sets are not wearable.


seven sets.

think i better go hide somewhere now.....

Monday, August 18, 2003

Here I am, waiting for a sign, I never seem to know
If you want me in your life, where do I stand
I just don't know
I never feel I know you
'Cause you blow hot and you blow cold, it seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

I feel your warmth, got me wanting more, you've left the door half open
I'm in two minds to explore, but then again
Am I being honest, being truthful to myself, can I see my life without you
Could I be with someone else
It seems I've grown attached, though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

Should I stay
Should I go
i really think it's time for you to let me know
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

It seems I've grown attached
Though we're not the perfect match
i just cant explain

but i have to go for dental appointment.
sentosa on wednesday!

Saturday, August 16, 2003

weather hasnt been helping much lately. been waking up each morning in hope to go sentosa, only to be greeted by grey clouds which lead to heavy rainpours.

this is when it really sucks to live in the catchment area.


anyway, i am leaving for london on 23rd sept.

theresa>> dun worry, i will wait for you to come back then i grab my stuff. if not i will let you know.
pennapa>> where are you????? managed to get the job u wanted? please drop me a mail or msg

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

went to hike up this hill in Kluang on sunday. all i can say now is: never again.

kill me but i am not going to hike up another hill in malaysia.


whole body aching like mad now.

not working anymore and super bored. wanna hit the beach but no one's free.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

"don't you sometimes feel the world is so empty, like suddenly nobody really cares what happens to you anymore. dunno what to feel anymore, everyone seems so caught up with their own lives while i sit here and feel my heart ache, aching for some kinda company.........."

Tuesday, August 05, 2003


there's a new camera to get!!!! the Colorsplash Camera by the Lomo society.


i shall be thick skin and list the camera's i am aiming for. *grin*

the Lomo LC-A
the Holga
the Colorsplash


no more.
for now la.

although the ultimate would be the world lomography box......but it doesnt make sense cos i already have 2 lomos

Saturday, August 02, 2003

went swimming after church.

love the water, but still cant trust it.

wonder why.

going to rest now....feeling very lazy after a swim.

Friday, August 01, 2003

mentally drained from stock take @ shop today.....really horrible in some sense to count every single item! thank goodness i had nice friends who came by, bought me dinner and actually stayed on to help me!

now i am kinda thankful that i will stop work by the 8th aug.


how am i going to spend my next 1 & half mth?


*pennapa>> i booked a flight back on emirates for the 23rd sept, as i want to go back earlier. what about you??*

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

got an email today about some sappy true love story. then this era of time, what is really love? are human beings really capable of loving someoner else, putting that someone before oneself?

doesnt seem so to me anymore. now everyone talks about their wants, their goals in life, and it's all about themself. guess i was like that for a period of time, where i wanted to be happy, with myself by myself.

but what do i really want? i still dunno. i work, i sleep, i breath, i eat.
yet i am not satisfied.
why do we humans have so many wants? and 90% of those wants are things we know we can never get. then why do we still aim towards those wants?

seems like a lot of ppl are going thru some crisis of the heart at the moment.
i always say, " loving/liking someone doesnt mean you have to be with that person"
words are easy to say, but so hard to put into practice.

again i come to the conclusion that i have all this weird thoughts all because i am an Emo chick. always thinking too much and thinking of 'what if's'.

life should never be about regrets right?

anyway, enough of my thoughts for tonight. the email i mentioned above ended with this:
but I guess everything comes with a reason...but what's the point of driving it out of someone if it's something you don't want to hear in the first place? "I want the truth" ---so easy to say but so difficult to accept.

so very true.

remember: nothing in life happens by chance.

it's all part of God's plan.

Friday, July 25, 2003

got work to do. bleh......

Summer project: submit on 7th October 2003

To create and apply your own designs to a lighting device based on the video of your choice. Choose only one from the following ten movies to work from as the main source of inspiration. An element of your project may be taken forward into production.


General task/aims:
The student should be able to:

- Produce a full sketchbook of ideas in a mixed-media format, based on a wide range of lightning devices. Make a list of lighting devices that interest you.
- Produce an ideas book full of work inspired by and based on the move of your choice.
- Develop a creative well thought out and inspired design solution that demonstrates you have considered your device in the context of your chosen video.
- Paint or collage a range of alternative designs.
- Produce at least 4 design sheets appropriate to your concept.
- Produce and ‘in-situ’ of how your lightning device will look in the context you feel works best.
- Present an A4 folder of market research related to lightning.

Submission format:
The design sheets should be mounted onto A2 paper or card and will be presented at assessment during the first week of the new term.

Watch a selection of the suggested videos to make an informed choice. Consider the style of the film, the era it is set in, the use of colour, lighting, costumes, location and art direction. Think about what you want to take from these films in terms of inspiration, atmosphere and style.
*try to capture the essence and magic of the film and mix that up with some magic of your own. How you use or translate ideas from video to design is up to you. ( don’t be too literal.)

Initial research strategy:
- looking at lighting devices in your own home or in buildings and public places
- look in magazines and catalogues to find examples of lightning. Make notes of prices and sources etc.
- Check out websites, publicity departments of production companies, magazines and old film poster artworks, books and libraries.
- consider the setting for the lighting device e.g. domestic, public, workplace, garden, leisure situations.

Learning outcomes:
On completion the student will be able to:

- Understand the processes of research and the collection of pertinent information.
- Demonstrate the ability to work unsupervised in the collection of research material.
- Understand the main methods of producing lighting devices.
- Demonstrate the knowledge of lightning devices.
- Understand how light is transmitted and filtered through various materials and is powered by a variety of sources.
- Demonstrate knowledge of different light sources.
- Understand how the direction and strength of the light source influences the result.
- Demonstrate and understanding of ambient lighting, task lighting and natural lighting in all its forms.

Monday, July 21, 2003

got back from zouk and supper at 4+am......surfed the net and finally got to bed @ 5.30am. practically dragged myself out of bed three hours later to go cover someone's shift. =/

was practically counting the hours before i could leave work and get my long due exercise. caught the bus service 401 to ECP and met up with 2 couples.... felt a bit extra ah. bladed for an hour and fell down only once! very proud of myself somehow. heee....

think i piled back watever fat i burnt with my dinner of Komalas.

really zonked out now.

ECP was nice. sound of waves really makes the place seem so surreal sometimes.


Sunday, July 20, 2003

save me. i need my sanity back.

thoughts fill my mind. chokes my soul.

emptyness is in me again.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

life's a bore now........ am working my butt off in the choc shop, mondays - fridays 9.30am to 7.30pm. so no life right??? cant really go out to hang around anymore. =( pennapa cant come to singapore anymore........wonder how my bangkok trip will be. or maybe i will just go bali and rot?

sometimes i wonder why i work so hard for the money..... hmmm.
money can buy almost everything....but not everything.

the simple things in life are all i want.... but life is always so complicated yah?

anyway, drove the car out the other day and scratched the bottom of the bumper while parking , and err......on sat night made a nike shaped tick scratch on the side of the bonnet when i hit a wall.

ok ok. i am a sucky park-er.
but i'm just being me!!!!


Monday, July 07, 2003


i also was given like packets of dried mango! yee haa!!

fat piling big time. going to zzz to work tomorrow.

full shift.

cant imagine.

went sentosa with edna and tress to blade today. a lot of erm.....nice young bodies around, but too young lah *grin* although i did walk past this really nice tanned sufer-dude looking guy, who was driving a 7series BMW. *wink wink*

was there for 2 hours, then left for a swim @ candice's place.
just as i thought i had burnt some fat.......candice's mum fed me nice and well again with hokkien mee, bbq chicken wing, otak and dried mango! arghs!!!

never never am i going to loose anyway at this rate i'm going!


Wednesday, July 02, 2003

i've been back a week and i havent got a single chance to drive my mum's car! arghs. and the reason? mum lost one of my 'P' plate.....

guess i will go and buy another set. grr.

hungry, as usual.

Sunday, June 29, 2003

hee.... i'm hooked up using isaac's pac net acc. sssshhhhh........ now clearing my emails. tsk tsk, so much junk mails. =(
hmmm, life seems so boring somehow. everyone's working and i spend my afternoons wondering what to do and then....end up just sleeping in.

and i have put on soo much weight that i cannot fit into the bottoms that i left behind in spore!!!

see! clothes never lie!

Friday, June 27, 2003

ok. i am back...but i havent got my lappy hooked up to the internet connection....arghs! i am eating big time back at home and i dun think i am ever going to loose weight! *sniff*

pennapa>>> help me!! starve me when we get back to uk ok???

Saturday, June 21, 2003

ok. final moments. my sis bf is going to pick me up like now now.
tata greenwich.

3 days to flight | 4 days to touchdown

i've moved most of my stuff out....all that's left is my luggage, some laundry to be done, my cutting mat ( i just realised i forgot to pack it! ), a card from candice is still on the wall and of course my lappy and speakers.

room's so bare it's..... hard for me to describe the feeling. even my bed has been stripped of its sheets and pillows....guess tonight will be back to the basics for one last time. it all brings me back to 29th sept 02, when i first stepped into my room and loneliness just hit me.

that empty feeling is back, but i figure it's just for now.....and it reminds me of how much i already have!

so this is it i guess. one school year has passed and i'm heading home. so much happened in those 9 mths and i guess i ought to thank all you out there who stood by me when i was so down, who listened to my whines & tears, and made me the stronger person i am today. you all know who you are.....
especially you, who made the hurt and emotions deep inside me, so so much easier to bear.

God, whom i know has never forsaken me despite me being away from Him.

lastly, for every single person i know :: i wish you love....

renee | 21st June 2003 | 2.58am

Friday, June 20, 2003

3.36pm:: just showered.....took a 2 1/2 hr nap after trying to pack thru the whole night, of which i still have stuff scattered all over my room. i just cannot believe that i got so much stuff in just 9 mths!!! i didnt shop much, so how come i got so much clothes?? all the nitty gritty bits, i don't know where to put them. arghs!!!!! will be moving at 8+pm tonight...hope traffic will be good and many thanks to Sharon and Terence for helping to drive and also Allen for your suggestions.

eh...this blog now sounds weird. like some grad speech or something.

4 days to flight | 5 days to touchdown

it's 2.49am and i'm still packing...moving my stuff out tomorrow. kinda miss my hall already. come to think of it, i think it has served me very well....... 9 mths of sleep, eat, tears, laughter and screams.....and finally i'm leaving it for good. no words can explain how i really feel now. so many events that have taken place in this room and yet they are all only for me to know, for me to take with away only as memories inside my mind. memories that i don't think can ever be shared or removed.

will miss my cosy life confined in this room, the noises, the thin walls but i definately wont miss the thief!

am moving on to another phrase of my life, and i will never look back and regret.
every single thing was a lesson well learned.
tata greenwich, tata lonely life.

looping this as i pack my life up....

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

Thursday, June 19, 2003

i suddenly realised the true meaning of "no news is good news".... oh well.

this is one good song.

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You Think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that.
I'll tell you you're right when you want...
Oh Oh oh-oh-oh-oh
And if only you could see into me...
Oh when you're cold I'll be there to hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost, and you're alone and can't get back again
I will find you darling, and I'll bring you home
And if u want to cry I am here to dry your eyes,
and in no time you'll be fine.....

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that.
Think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
Oh, oh
If only you could see into me....

Oh when you're cold I'll be there to hold you tight to me, baby.
Ohh when you're alone I'll be there by your side baby, by your side baby.
Oh when your cold I'll be there to hold you tight to me, to me baby.
Ohh when you're alone I'll be there by your side baby.


oh, my photos from the 2nd Paris trip are already up @ the shutterfly acc. go check them out when you're free!

5 days to flight | 6 days to touchdown

its 4:12am now and as much as i wanna sleep...i cant! getting all excited about going home. not good...cos excitment just screws up my mind and doesnt let me concentrate on packing my room up.

help help help!!!!

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

I Change my Flight!!!!!! *prancing around my room*

so now its:

6 days to flight | 7 days to touchdown

flight SQ 321 | 24th june | 1800 hours | terminal 2

anyone picking me up??????
8 days to flight | 9 days to touchdown

went out yesterday to check out storage options, and it's bloody expensive! 14 weeks of storage for me and pennapa to share a 25sqft room, is like 302pounds. split that 2 ways and i still think it's obscene.

how how?? where am i going to put my shiit? =S

and i still want to change my flight to monday 23rd......but worried that if i dun settle my storage, how will i be able to fly????

*wails loudly*

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

9 days to flight | 10 days to touchdown

packed some last night......and and...thinking of changing to an earlier flight now but do i have the time to finish everything i wanna do? hmmm...... and i woke up @ 9.30am! arghs!

Monday, June 16, 2003

just went to register with my local GP, after 9 longs mths......and i'm 164cm | 5ft 4.5, and 53kg | 8.5 stones. BMI is 19.7, which is Healthy! See see! i dun need to loose weight, just need to exercise and erm tone up my body. hee.

i still havent packed. arghs! i have till the 21st before i get kicked out of my hall. that's 5 days to go.......
10 days to take off | 11 days to touchdown

ooh! it's getting so near!!! the day that i have been anticipating for ever since touching down in london. *beaming* the only thing that's getting me down is that alot of my friends are going back before me!

but oh well, now i have the huge headahce of packing my room up to go into storage. not dwelling on my stolen pot anymore, as the doc. allen has said:" there, now u have one less pot to pack!"

i don't know how you always make things seem so much better than they are. thanks for cheering me up =)

going to clear my bed again to sleep in, it's hell in here!

Sunday, June 15, 2003

woke up @ 11.30 and all i've had is water. wanted to make pancakes - no milk. so was like decided to just cook bah ku teh.......took out my chicken to defrost, soaked some dried mushroom and then i was faced with the most unimaginable situation.

my cooking pot has gone missing.

nope it's not in the other kitchen, nope its not with my flatmates.

who the bloody hell wants to steal a pot?
i so feel like slapping that thief that i don't know........but but.

WHAT CAN I DO???? i have never met someone SO LOW in my life.

now i am hungry and pissed big time.

Top 10 Ways to Jump-Start Weight Loss
by Jonny Bowden, M.A., C.N.

1. Eat protein at every meal, including breakfast.

2. Eliminate wheat- and flour-based products for the time being. And yes, that definitely includes bread and pasta.

3. Eat unprocessed foods. Ninety percent of what you eat should be food that could have been hunted, caught, gathered from the ground or plucked from a tree.

4. Reduce starch to one portion a day, and don't eat that portion during your evening meal. Best choices are oatmeal, sweet potatoes and beans.

5. Don't overdo fruit: two a day maximum, and only the low-sugar, high-fiber variety. Apples, pears, plums and berries all are good choices. Bananas are not. For now, fruit should be eaten alone or with something light like nuts or a little cheese. Lose the fruit juice.

6. Reduce or eliminate dairy for the time being, especially cow's milk. Exceptions: reasonable amounts of cheese and occasional portions of yogurt, but not the fat-free kind (it contains way too much sugar).

7. Lose the booze. Despite what the "studies" say, you lose no health benefits by giving up alcohol. There is nothing essential in alcohol that you can't get in fruits and vegetables.

8. Stop using vegetable oils such as sunflower, safflower and corn. The supermarket kind is highly refined, and it oxidizes easily when heated, contributing to arterial plaque. Use olive oil instead.

9. Watch which types of fat you're eating. The amount of fat you eat is probably less important than the kind of fat you eat. The worst are fried foods, margarine and foods that contain hydrogenized or partially hydrogenized oils. The best is omega-3, found in fish and flaxseed oil.

10. Obsessively drink water: at least eight or more large glasses each day. Every day. No excuses.

** i am very sure i posted a blog entry just now about my trip to brighton but it's not here! ARGHS!!!!!**

Saturday, June 14, 2003

for the first time, i have nothing proper to eat and i am really hungry......

no instant noodles.bread has gone vegetables.
had to resort to my left over chocolate digestive biscuits.


weighed myself and it seems that all that walking in paris didnt help a single bit. in fact, i put on another kg.

*boo hoo*

i am going running. i will somehow..........and I am the only reason why i will exercise. not for anyone else....

will blog abt paris tomorrow....going to zzz now.
been really into emo songs lately.nights.
12 days to take off | 13 days to touchdown

i'm back! and never in my life have i walked so much......

Saturday, June 07, 2003

18 days to take off | 19 days to touchdown

it's 5.12am....i think i am done packing. think, cos i have done the usual of bringing a few extra tees and stuff. why do it always do that? think i will go sleep on it for 2 hours and wake up to decide if i will throw some clothes out.


now hope i can wake up @ 7am.

Stranger :: Everyone's got to start somewhere. From strangers to lovers, then when you part, you become strangers again.
19 days to takeoff | 20 days to touchdown

its friday! and tomorrow morning i will be heading to Paris!! *grin* me and Pennapa are going to spend 3 nights in Provence, without having booked any hotel. see how we 2 gals will survive in France. heh

will go pack now i guess.....feeling weird. excited but yet unsure.

oh!! went to Wetherspoons just now for after dinner dessert and these 2 China guys approached me, trying to pick me up. Asked where i was from and they were genuinely surprised that a Singaporean can speak Mandarin (guo yu).

tsk tsk, and i thought that only the ang moh's were ignorant. seems like the Chinese aint any better!

Thursday, June 05, 2003

wed: went out and finally caught the Matrix. while the fight scene is good, i must say it's too bloody long!! The second half of the movie was better though....couldnt catch the words in certain parts ( i know i am not the only person!!! ), so am going to look for the script online. hmmm.

came back and packed some of my stuff, in preparation to move out. *sigh* so much nonsense i have acculmulated in just 9mths. gave up halfway and decided to watch 'Cast Away'. Fininshed it @ 5.30 am...........and so i only woke up @ 4pm.

yeeps. just screwed up my body clock again.

this blog is getting boring you know? i feel it myself...hmmm.

anyway, about the jeans i think i will go to paris first and come back to decide. so Candice, don't worry too much! i will somehow dig some $$$$ out for the diving classes!

"so many things to do, so little money"

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

it's 12.06pm, just woke up.....*yawn* going to get ready and go to Trinity college, for Junie's recital.

good news: went out yesterday to Bond street and i didnt buy anything! just err...10pounds on food @ Selfridges Food hall.
BAD news: i fell in love with a pair of 100pounds Levi's jeans.

ok. bet everyone's going:"what??? you aint going to pay S$280 for a pair of jean; are you?"

me: but's a Really nice pair of jeans, and you cant get it in spore (i think). besides, a pair of Diesel vintage processed jeans here retails for 110pounds, so my jeans is still not that expensive? ok. i am being very silly in trying to justify that this pair of jeans is worth my money. *sigh* I'm telling myself now to not spend too much in Paris, and come back to buy my jeans.


why didn't i just get a job here last time.........

*fustrated BIG time*

got to go......

Monday, June 02, 2003

got woken up by the postman @ 8.30am.

it's now 9.27am and my eyes are still only half open.


had a early lunch of dim sum today. soooo full! 3 hours after it and i still feel stuffed and sleepy...think i will go zzz after this entry.

it's 25 more days to Spore!!!


i cant wait!!!! i just bought 2 sets of bikinis......that's how anxious i am getting. hehehe.

Saturday, May 31, 2003

walked to the greenwich town to grab a lunch of pie and beans. then walked around, going into those 2pound book shops. for once i felt at home. think it was the sun + heat that made me feel so comfy. FYI, its a high of 26degrees today!

walked back though the park and it was really crowded! wonder why the kids dun have to go school....hmm.
am back in the refuge of my room but i think i will grab a book and my knitting and head back out to enjoy the sun.


Friday, May 30, 2003

i do realised that i have a very very sad social life in london. everyday i wake up, the first thing i do is turn on my lappy, then do the other stuff. after getting my bowl of cereal, i will bring it back to my desk, to surf and eat @ the same time.

after clearing all my emails ( not alot actually ) and reading all the news, i am basically just bumming online. which makes me feel really stupid now. instead of going out to enjoy the real world, i stay in my little messy room, pulled into this virtual world i so love and just wait for people to come on icq to chat with me. ( which is not many again ).

this is so sad. wait. I am so sad. a sad sad case of a no lifer, so i cannot blame London.

everyone Loves London! it's happening, it's so great!


so why do i put myself in such a position? i am pondering it about it now.

maybe i stay online all this time just to wait for that someone to msg me.
or maybe i am just thing lazy lazy gal who refuses to get out of her room.
or maybe i don't like the idea of going out alone, feeling like an idiot?
or maybe, i am just hooked on bloody Ebay! ( spending a fortune there.... )

Maybe, it's just me and all of the above reasons.

i need a life. i need to live for myself!


i'm going out and not looking back.
i finally did get my butt out of the fact out of my room. went to a mate's houseparty. actually had the intention of not turning up but he called me and personally 'reminded' me again, so i figured that i had to go somehow.....dun wanna be too anti-social lah.

bought some booze ( it's a uk thing. go to a party = bring alcohol. not food ), a Zinger meal from kfc for my dinner and hopped on the bus. got to the party like 11pm, and stayed till 1am. it was nice in a way, the night was not too cold, a lot of people around and a dj spinning some dnb. Guess the only down part was not knowing a lot of people, so ended up just huddling with my few classmates.

got a lift out to catch my night bus, sent 2 gals off on their bus before making my way to catch mine.

waited one bloody hour for it. was freezing at the bustop k.....
so now it's 3.43am and i am still wide awake.

my flatmate just made some weird moaning|groaning noise again. he always does it while sleeping. hmm...wonder if he's having some dream or is my typing so loud that he gets disturbed??

dun care for now.

:: should go party more often ::

having so many hours of sunshine can certainly mess up your mind. it's 7pm now and the sun's shining like it's 4pm. i've been sleeping @ 2am and waking up @ 12pm everyday good no good.

so many things to do, but i cant get my butt off the chair.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

dinner: Mashed potato + broccoli, topped with tuna + sweetcorn, then mushroom and finally cheese. then dumped into the oven to bake.




Wednesday, May 28, 2003

ok. i have too much time to kill now and i will be constantly updating my blog i guess.

erm, one thing to ask of my friends...if you could, visit and err....donate a couple of buckaroos?

yes, i know i can i just trust what some stranger says on the web and give some money?
i guess trust is really so hard to gain now, so instead of trying and waiting to gain someone's trust, why not trust someone first?
i believe in what goes around comes around!

debbie really seems quite in if you could, give. if not, pray for her?


There is this company in Uk called Truprint, that lets you mail in your film to them for developing, and the return it to you via mail again, together with a free roll of film for every film you send it. The first time i used it, it was fast, nice big prints and i got free film! So i decided to use their services again.

well, just got my photos back, but the 2 free rolls of film has gone missing. *sigh* i inspected the package and noticed that someone has pried open one corner of the pack and stuck i back.

so someone stole my film.



if you're free, please go to to sign the peitition against the culling of the singapore cats and dog!
oh. i finally watch The Pianist the other day....and all i can say it just fills me with this unending sorrow. The main piece from the soundtrack also brings forth the pain felt by the Jews..... i must say i admire the German officer for his grace to help keep Szpilman alive, to the extend of moving his office into the building where Szpilman was hiding, just so to be able to feed him. I guess it's this kind of unselfish giving that keeps the world moving.

kinda sad that Szpilman didnt manage to save the German officer.

oh well.

For those who havent watched it, do so. It's compelling.
*twiddling fingers* now i have exactly 30 days to go before i leave London. what shall i do to kill time?? hmmm. think i will go scan in my Lomo photos for now and put them up on my Lomo homepage.

Yes yes....i am a broadcaster.


Tuesday, May 27, 2003

1.36pm:: i've done it. it's over....yes!!! i am officially on holiday now! Wheeeee~

just waiting for Pennapa now to head to school together.

now i can sleep and eat all i want.

i fell asleep.

or more like i willingly took a nap because my eyes were getting tired from all the reading i was trying to do.

ok ok. it's too late to undo's 5.10am and i have only just started typing my opening paragraph. am i able to hand it in like 5 hours later? arghs!!!

*cow. kill the chick please. she's not doing her work in the farm.*

my essay is driving me nuts. its already 8.46pm, i am still doing online research for it and nothing seems to be revelant! arghs!
how am i going to get it out by tomorrow??


Monday, May 26, 2003

listening to a lot of emo mandarin and cantonese songs now. gives me the chills somehow...all love songs. hmmm. but somehow they just bring a smile to my face and my thoughts drift back to my sec. school days of listening to 9.33fm

*grin*'s standing now, it's some song by Alex To. One part goes like "don't worry that i love you too much, for i'm very happy loving you"


* just got remindered that in exactly 1 mth or 31days i will be back home!!!!!!

Yes yes yes!*

ok. back to my essay. =(
it's sunday night, my essay is STILL NOT completed and i am reading The Alchemist.
good book, which really makes you think about your aim in life + what are we searching for.

"i'm like everyone else - i see the world in terms of what i would like to see happen, not what actually does."

Friday, May 23, 2003

Pennapa has been working weekends @ a Thai resturant, and guess what? she's got some admirers, 3 infact! *grin*
One of them walked her home today....
if only you could see her face, all flustered when she was telling me about the guys in the kitchen.


feel happy in a way for her.


i got my Supersampler!!!!!

2 down, 2 more cameras to go.

*hint hint*


got back and so lazy to go out for this Muji evening sale event. guess i will just stay in and clean up my room. had my tutorial with lecturer, and he says i've done well for this year, and that i'm in top 6 or 10, outta 40.

aiyah.....but happy also no use lah. 1st year grades do not contribute to my final degree.

sian. trying to get myself to do essay. but art history is such a boring subject!

have been thinking about stuff and asking myself:" why do i blog?"

maybe i should stop blogging. it's too emo.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

9:04am:: yes! i slept through the Whole night! woke up once at 10pm, then again at 5am but i didnt get out of the bed! See! i'm becoming a super pig. hahahah.
Although now i feel abit weird......think toooo much sleep.

sniff. off to school in horrible weather.


Wednesday, May 21, 2003

2.28pm:: back from school. arranged my work out for lecturer to grade and will only get it back tomorrow. am so stoned, i couldnt walk properly...felt like i was floating sometimes. *sigh* age is catching up with me. still remember in poly yr 1 i could rush projects, attend classes, not sleep for 2 whole days and still feel fine. now just one sleepless night and i am goneded.

*blink blink*

eyes are really feeling funny. think i will go zzzz.....screw up my body clock again~
what's new?


wait. i still got my essay to complete!!!!!

*boo hoo*

besides the weather being really horrible for the whole week, rain with gusty winds....i got nothing to say for now. i am up to my nose....with work due tomorrow. i am like only 1/4 done!


i have since given up even trying to finish my essay by tomorrow too. will see what happens....

ooh ooh! bird-day wishes to Ah Kit!!!
eh. old already man!

Monday, May 19, 2003

forgot to mention this: someone's eating my margerine! i'm ok to share but to eat 3/4 of it?? i figure the person is like super duper cheapo or broke.
sunday....8.30pm and i am having a dinner of mash potato and beef steak, washed down with A&W rootbeer! mmm......taste nice nice! all self made too.


oh, after stuffing myself i will have to really get down to work. =S got an essay and big project to clear by wednesday. internet really distracts me BIG time....

Saturday, May 17, 2003

i've decided.

i will do things, make decisions that makes me happy. just me. i feel like i have been living my life for others, always worrying what other ppl think of me, what will ppl say.
i don't care anymore. for now.

i just want to be happy. ok?

Friday, May 16, 2003

heyo peeps.

i got this 'job offer' with a Drum & Bass event organiser, whatcha think about it?


The job is a very good opportunity to meet people and make connections within the industry and can open doors for you, especially if you're a DJ or promoter etc. The job basically involves going to as many club nights as possible of any kind of music in and around London, then leaving the party 45 minutes or an hour early and handing out our flyers as people leave. We also ask that once a week, or whenever you can, go to a set of record and clothes shops that we'll give you and display our flyers and posters. Also whenever you can think of new and creative promotional ideas they are welcomed. Although you don't get paid, you do get many other benefits, ie; free guestlist for you and a friend to all movement nights and any other night at which you give out flyers. But most of all, it gives you a foot in the door of this industry, which is notoriously hard to get into!!!

Let me know what you think.

Gin, Movement Promotions.
i know you ppl are going to laugh at me, but i am going to blog it down anyway...

was cooking bak ku teh for my dinner and then proceeded to boil some rice to go with it. washed it and all and left it on the cooker to boil while i came back into my room. the thing was that i left it on high heat and like 5 mins later i went to check on it, it was burnt and smoke was all over! i was praying so hard the fire alarm wouldn't go off, but like ten seconds later, the whole building was filled with the screeching whine of that bloody fire alarm.

had to make my way down to tell the warden but he had already gone up to my flat. so i had to stand in the main hall and wait for him to come back down to off the alarm, infront of all the other ppl.....felt super embarassed. made my way back up to my flat.....and i'm now eating half burnt rice.

never again will i cook and walk away.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

ok. last night i was contemplating hard on the issue of either spending $200 on diving lessons or on 2 pairs of birkenstocks. everyone said diving lessons....but but i caved in and got both pairs of Birks! eekss...i can hear ppl cursing @ me now...hee.

But it's a girl thing! how can you separate a girl from the shoes she loves????

now is like mega huge cut back time. no more eating ou tor buying nonsense. i will save save save the remaining pounds i have and bring it back to singapore for my diving lessons! scummy eh?

check out this article on bbc news website. talks about the matrix and religion. makes you really think about the plot.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

best love story movie ideas so far:

- Sweet November ( i didnt watch it!! )
- Top Gun ( allen, only give you one choice so i picked this one. heh. )

hmm...this really tells me who reads my blog!
oooh...jsut read straits times online:

"Part of a love-making scene in The Matrix Reloaded in Singapore has been snipped to avoid imposing an R(A) rating on the film, says the Board Of Film Censors." This only spurs me more to watch it here in London! It will open on 21st May, just in time as that's the dateline of my last project. Yippie!

woke up late today....thus decided not to go in to class. my classmate called though and let me know my results for my ceremic|textile project. i got an A! =] really happy inside with myself. as i logged on to the net and my default page - our daily bread came on, i read it and it humbled me. It talked about being thankful to God for everything, less we took the little things we have for granted and our heads get bigger with pride and self-worth. i am what|who i am now because of His works.

this bit is from the page
Ungratefulness is a temptation for us today as well. If our endeavors are successful, let's make sure we are thankful to God for His goodness, help, and protection.

Help me, O Lord, lest my heart become proud,
For all of my talents by You are endowed;
Nothing I have can I claim as my own—
What mercy and grace in my life You have shown!

We don't need more to be thankful for, we just need to be more thankful.

the last sentence says it all. do think about it.

one more thing for you all to poll:

which movie do you think brings through the idea of the best love story ever?
i've already got one in mind...but i wont share it till i see what you ppl think!

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

went to sleep only at 5am.......was suppose to wake up @ 9am to go DHL collect my supersampler. but my body refused and it's now 12.42pm that i'm typing this, with my wet hair dripping all over & thinking of the afternoon class i have at 2.30pm.


cant wait to see my supersampler! damn...why couldnt i have just forced myself outta bed????
going to make a banana smoothie now....

hee. thing i have to ask all you ppl who read this.

What's the issue with bananas? 3/4 of the people i meet or know don't like it!

Please enlighten me on it k? =]
it's 1.34am and here i am, eating a supper of brie cheese on biscuits and a glass of banana-orange juice. had a submission in the day, and came back at 5pm feeling totally stoned. decided @ 6pm that i had to sleep......knowing that i would screw up my body clock again.

so after a nap of 5 hours..i am half awake and nibbling. this isn't helping me to loose weight is it?
maybe i should work through the night again on my other project.


Monday, May 12, 2003

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. —Ecclesiastes 3:1

have been in my room trying to trim my work with the stupid pinking shears, and looping "because i'm a girl" by korean group Kiss cos i really like it....
anyway, went into the kitchen with pennapa to try using the blender i got for 3pounds. it works, and we had orange-raspberry juice. =) all was nice and chirpy until my flatmate came to the kitchen and asked:" is that song you're playing the korean one? and why issit like repeating over and over again? i don't like it." I just smiled and gave pennapa a look, while she just looked back at me too, speechless.

inside my mind, my brains were going " what the hell....what have you got to say about the music i play? if i wanna loop it the whole day.....what's your problem? i don't complain when you talk damn loud in your room......"


really spoil my mood......back to work. dateline tomorrow.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

sunday:: alarm clock rang at 10am...lazed in bed till 10.30am. decided to do some 'exercise' before i shower. so it was......

3 sets of | 10 squats | 10 stomach crunches | 10 buttfirming kicks | , then followed with trying to see how much of a 'split' i can do. the strain in my thighs was massive! and err....i cannot really do the split. hmmm...should i even continure trying?

to the shower now.

just had a dinner of instant noodles with broc and 2 fried eggs, washed down with a can of coke. not exactly healthy and low in fat....but i seemed to have lost my appetite for proper food.

did this personality disorder test...and the results::

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test:


Saturday, May 10, 2003

ok.i've been stuck on the net ebaying. get me out of this!!! the internet is Really killing me.... and trying to figure out this stupid template editing on blogger aint making my day any better.


my tag board is not showing up.....arghs!!! stoopid html.

Friday, May 09, 2003

this is extracted from Pennapa's blog, just to show you the 'interesting' life of 2 oriental girls in London. *grin*

was walking along Oxford St when this friendly guy approached and asked us
him>>"u guys want a blow dry?"
renee>>" thanks"
me>> [asked renee] "hey, what did he say???"
renee>>"do u want a blow DRY?"
me>>"..." [I heard he said "do u want a blow JOB?"]
ah~~ my ears, what the heck I was thinking??
12.25am::just woke up from a 6 hour nap....think i shuoldnt have slept at i am all wide awake with no mood to do anywork. arghs. Pennapa just got back from her first day of work @ a thai rest, think she had no pay for the night but got 12pounds worth of tips. not too bad....considering i was sleeping while she worked and she got some money now.

i need a job!!!!!

* she got pelted with an egg while waiting for the bus! mean mean brits.*

Thursday, May 08, 2003

i messed up my blogpage....and i got a zit on my forehead! *frown*
back to work...........

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

"I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase......"

Evanescence - My Immortal

i think i am just an empty shell now, devoid of being able to feel and trust...why is everyone out there making things a mess for me? why cant they just let me be me? why do they want to step in and say i am wrong wrong wrong??? who are they to say they are doing this cos they care for me? what makes them think they are right?

i had my highs and lows in life and i am thankful for everything.
i know i shouldnt dwell on the past but look on to the future but my past is haunting me. haunting me bad.
i am learning to forgive but somethings i cannot forget.

selfish i may be. but that's all i can be now.

ppl say i should be grateful i have a chance to study in london.

i am.

just that things never went well from the start and it aint looking any better now.
put yourself in my shoe.
feel the pain i go thru, cry the tears i weep and dun criticise or question me anymore.

i am nothing now.

just a girl too afraid to love, to feel and to trust even those ard me.

leave me alone.

every single one.

dun push me to the brink or i will just run....

run away from you all.

i don't want to cry anymore as the tears never help.

just let me be,

in my own world.

let me be alone with God to heal my pain.

please don't ask why and what.

come near me and i will push.

i apologize if i have hurt anyone, cos i know i did.

so let me be and stay away.
alone, i will find myself someday.

| i am still searching for myself | for what i want & need | for me to learn to trust again | doesn't seem easy | sigh | think i'll do my work now |

Thursday, May 01, 2003

i know this sounds weird, but i am trying to learn how to knit, using whatever sources i can get from the internet. and i can only do the 'casting on'.....i cannot get the knit stich!!! arghs!!!!!

this is definately testing my patience.

it's a small world.......i just found out that i am on the same flight back to spore with my schoolmate/neighbour!! yippie! now i will have a companion for my 13hour flight!! =)

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

ooh! forgot to mention the one thing that made my day brighter:: my camper boots are here!!!! got them off ebay for US$61.00 and although they might be from the old range, i don't care! =)

going off to school now.....die die die....

3.20am:: just clearing up my mind after getting out of my bed. so much for a nap...i slept for 8 hours! going to get myself off the internet/laptop now and actually do work.

i hope.

No Doubt's playing on my winamp now...compliments of Cow. =)

" you're really lovely underneath it all, and do you want to love me underneath it all, i'm really luck underneath it all, you're really lovely........"

great. 2nd day of a new term and i get another new project. *sigh*
so as of now i have to clear: one textile design + outdoor drawings due on 8th May | one major assesment for textile/ceremic project on 12th May | one essay due on 14th May (i think) | another assesment for bag/packaging design on 21st May.
Also, for the new ceremic building class i have, i've got to get a sketch book full of ideas by next tuesday.

so much work, so little time....and i am feeling to tired!

going to take a nap now to sleep off my fustrations.